So I changed my name last week. I got married in June 2010, and I’ve only just taken the plunge. It still feels weird, and doesn’t help that I now sound like an Irish bar, but it was definitely time.
For a while there I was thinking (hoping) to just leave my name as is. I mean, it’s my name- has been for my whole life J My husband’s immediate family is also very large, and quite loud. My own immediate family consists of my (quiet) mother, my sister and me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted my family to have one less representative, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to just blend in to the already large in-law family.
My husband is also not of the new age variety that doesn’t really care- he wanted me to change it. He used to comment before we got married, and early on in the piece, but hadn’t said anything about it in a while. At first I was annoyed that he would just demand such a thing without any thought for my own loss (losing your lifelong name is a bit of a loss). In the end I felt sorry for the little tyke. I mean, he’s a great husband, as I’m sure most husbands are (right…). I felt a little annoyed by society that I had to take his name and leave my own behind, but it felt like the right thing to do. I guess to kind of thank him for being a lovely person (with a bit of naughty thrown in, don’t get me wrong).
The side effect of my proactivity has been a nice little warm and fuzzy outpouring from clients who think I’ve just gotten married. I’ve been getting congratulated all over the place, which is sweet J . So, I’ve finally been broken in (bad analogy, but sort of how it feels in a way). It’s probably bad feminism of me, but in the end I want to be a family and have the same name as my children- and while it’s a bummer that it has to be my husband’s, I’ll take what I can get. This doesn’t mean I’m heading straight to the kitchen- I was a very reluctant wife. That’s probably another reason for the stalemate. I didn’t have a yearning to be a ‘good wife’ that always looked good and kept the house together. I wanted to contribute the same amount as my husband. I never wanted him to be the type of man who needed his wife to do everything for him, and therefore became complacent and ungrateful. This is the experience of my parent’s relationship directly speaking here. It also helped that my mother raised me never to be anyone’s servant, to travel, study, have lots of fun and then find a mate. It didn’t exactly happen in that order for me, but it instilled in me a need to be my own person, and never let someone take from me what they weren’t contributing also.
It also didn’t help that I kind of still felt like a kid when I got married. I didn’t feel like a wife at all. I realise now that it isn’t a definitive thing, everyone has their own personal definition. I just needed a few years to figure out what mine was going to be.
This isn’t a bad thing at all, but it was certainly a barrier that made me want to go in the opposite direction of the normal, wifely ways and fight against anything that was considered a ‘wife’ duty. I’ve finally softened to a middle ground, I guess. My husband does the cooking and a lot of the day to day cleaning, the washing… and the mowing. I do the sort of monthly big clean stuff…and, well, maybe I’m the person in this relationship that doesn’t do that much and possibly takes their partner for granted!!
Maybe I’ll try and be a better wife this year, and changing my name is the start of it (he is heartbreakingly happy that I’ve changed it!). Now by wife, I mean ‘equal partner’ in the home. I’m not going to start taking on everything, and doing it with my hair nice. I’m not criticising this form of wifing- some of my closest friends adhere to this model, but it’s not for me. Maybe I need to stop saying what I don’t want to do and just be a little softer and more open to making my husband happy, and realising that this isn’t ‘giving up’- because dang, he does these things for me every day! So look out Husband, 2013 is my year to be a better spouse- if I could only figure out exactly what that means….
xfez