I started off this day NEEDING to hear a certain song. Like, as soon as I got to work I whipped open Youtube and plugged in. It’s all in keeping with the stupidly antsy feeling I’m still carrying over from New Years. Yep, this emotional hangover has been a doozy, but I’m justifying it to myself by saying that it’s important to question who you are, where you’re going with life etc every so often.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I’m floating along happy to view these issues from a far off, safe place, but I do revisit them every now and then. I’m feeling all weird and unsettled.

I think the main reason is that we’ve reached a bit of a milestone. We’re talking about having a baby this year. I wait for the collective gasp and then have to remind myself to get it together, because I’m turning 31 this year and that’s in no way an inappropriately young age to procreate. But it kind of feels like it is. I honestly feel too young to be a parent. I’m told ‘everyone’ feels this way, but most of the mums I know are pretty mature and not like me at all.

This is where I came to the conclusion that the reason I’m feeling weird isn’t because I’m not ready, but because I have no role models in this area. I mean, I have stupid role models- Kat Stratford, Lindsay Weir, Angela Chase. In case you’re wondering, these are all fictional high school television/movie characters. The problem is, I can relate to these girls so well- but what I want to know is WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!?!? Is this stupid to be so unsure of yourself and who you are? I realise these are shockingly self indulgent things to get caught up in- but these are the first world problems I grapple with.

I also don’t have people I can really relate to that have children. While I love my sisters-in-law to death- they aren’t in remotely similar careers to me, and also fit very much into the ‘mature’ mold that I am rashly placing everyone that doesn’t look at fictional high schoolers for life advice into. None of our friends have children, so that makes it seem even more of a void, where once we enter we will become different somehow. I just don’t know anyone with young children that I look at and think- ‘I’d like a similar model for my own life’ or even ‘this is sort of what our life will look like with kids’. I know what I don’t want, but in terms of how we make our lives work with a kid, I just cannot picture it. Or if I do, it’s a sad, depressing place where I spend a lot of time cleaning and become a shadow of myself.

I shared these feelings with Husband (poor, poor Husband). He, kind of beautifully, told me that maybe I am going to have to be that person for other people, and just pave the way for myself. I’m not a fan of this option, but I guess that’s the way it’s gonna be. So this year we plunge into the great unknown. And while it almost feels like ‘giving up’ to finally admit that it’s time for kids, I’m really hoping it turns out to be a super fun adventure that I totally didn’t expect.

xfez