Monthly Archives: January 2013

Posted on by
Reply

I started off this day NEEDING to hear a certain song. Like, as soon as I got to work I whipped open Youtube and plugged in. It’s all in keeping with the stupidly antsy feeling I’m still carrying over from New Years. Yep, this emotional hangover has been a doozy, but I’m justifying it to myself by saying that it’s important to question who you are, where you’re going with life etc every so often.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I’m floating along happy to view these issues from a far off, safe place, but I do revisit them every now and then. I’m feeling all weird and unsettled.

I think the main reason is that we’ve reached a bit of a milestone. We’re talking about having a baby this year. I wait for the collective gasp and then have to remind myself to get it together, because I’m turning 31 this year and that’s in no way an inappropriately young age to procreate. But it kind of feels like it is. I honestly feel too young to be a parent. I’m told ‘everyone’ feels this way, but most of the mums I know are pretty mature and not like me at all.

This is where I came to the conclusion that the reason I’m feeling weird isn’t because I’m not ready, but because I have no role models in this area. I mean, I have stupid role models- Kat Stratford, Lindsay Weir, Angela Chase. In case you’re wondering, these are all fictional high school television/movie characters. The problem is, I can relate to these girls so well- but what I want to know is WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!?!? Is this stupid to be so unsure of yourself and who you are? I realise these are shockingly self indulgent things to get caught up in- but these are the first world problems I grapple with.

I also don’t have people I can really relate to that have children. While I love my sisters-in-law to death- they aren’t in remotely similar careers to me, and also fit very much into the ‘mature’ mold that I am rashly placing everyone that doesn’t look at fictional high schoolers for life advice into. None of our friends have children, so that makes it seem even more of a void, where once we enter we will become different somehow. I just don’t know anyone with young children that I look at and think- ‘I’d like a similar model for my own life’ or even ‘this is sort of what our life will look like with kids’. I know what I don’t want, but in terms of how we make our lives work with a kid, I just cannot picture it. Or if I do, it’s a sad, depressing place where I spend a lot of time cleaning and become a shadow of myself.

I shared these feelings with Husband (poor, poor Husband). He, kind of beautifully, told me that maybe I am going to have to be that person for other people, and just pave the way for myself. I’m not a fan of this option, but I guess that’s the way it’s gonna be. So this year we plunge into the great unknown. And while it almost feels like ‘giving up’ to finally admit that it’s time for kids, I’m really hoping it turns out to be a super fun adventure that I totally didn’t expect.

xfez

What’s in a name?

Posted on by
Reply

So I changed my name last week. I got married in June 2010, and I’ve only just taken the plunge. It still feels weird, and doesn’t help that I now sound like an Irish bar, but it was definitely time.

For a while there I was thinking (hoping) to just leave my name as is. I mean, it’s my name- has been for my whole life J My husband’s immediate family is also very large, and quite loud. My own immediate family consists of my (quiet) mother, my sister and me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted my family to have one less representative, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to just blend in to the already large in-law family.

My husband is also not of the new age variety that doesn’t really care- he wanted me to change it. He used to comment before we got married, and early on in the piece, but hadn’t said anything about it in a while. At first I was annoyed that he would just demand such a thing without any thought for my own loss (losing your lifelong name is a bit of a loss). In the end I felt sorry for the little tyke. I mean, he’s a great husband, as I’m sure most husbands are (right…). I felt a little annoyed by society that I had to take his name and leave my own behind, but it felt like the right thing to do. I guess to kind of thank him for being a lovely person (with a bit of naughty thrown in, don’t get me wrong).

The side effect of my proactivity has been a nice little warm and fuzzy outpouring from clients who think I’ve just gotten married. I’ve been getting congratulated all over the place, which is sweet J . So, I’ve finally been broken in (bad analogy, but sort of how it feels in a way). It’s probably bad feminism of me, but in the end I want to be a family and have the same name as my children- and while it’s a bummer that it has to be my husband’s, I’ll take what I can get. This doesn’t mean I’m heading straight to the kitchen- I was a very reluctant wife. That’s probably another reason for the stalemate. I didn’t have a yearning to be a ‘good wife’ that always looked good and kept the house together. I wanted to contribute the same amount as my husband. I never wanted him to be the type of man who needed his wife to do everything for him, and therefore became complacent and ungrateful. This is the experience of my parent’s relationship directly speaking here. It also helped that my mother raised me never to be anyone’s servant, to travel, study, have lots of fun and then find a mate. It didn’t exactly happen in that order for me, but it instilled in me a need to be my own person, and never let someone take from me what they weren’t contributing also.

It also didn’t help that I kind of still felt like a kid when I got married. I didn’t feel like a wife at all. I realise now that it isn’t a definitive thing, everyone has their own personal definition. I just needed a few years to figure out what mine was going to be.

This isn’t a bad thing at all, but it was certainly a barrier that made me want to go in the opposite direction of the normal, wifely ways and fight against anything that was considered a ‘wife’ duty. I’ve finally softened to a middle ground, I guess. My husband does the cooking and a lot of the day to day cleaning, the washing… and the mowing. I do the sort of monthly big clean stuff…and, well, maybe I’m the person in this relationship that doesn’t do that much and possibly takes their partner for granted!!

Maybe I’ll try and be a better wife this year, and changing my name is the start of it (he is heartbreakingly happy that I’ve changed it!). Now by wife, I mean ‘equal partner’ in the home. I’m not going to start taking on everything, and doing it with my hair nice. I’m not criticising this form of wifing- some of my closest friends adhere to this model, but it’s not for me. Maybe I need to stop saying what I don’t want to do and just be a little softer and more open to making my husband happy, and realising that this isn’t ‘giving up’- because dang, he does these things for me every day! So look out Husband, 2013 is my year to be a better spouse- if I could only figure out exactly what that means….

xfez

Shake it up

Posted on by
Reply

Well, it’s 2013 and I still haven’t fucking done anything about writing. So, here I am, writing.

As usual, I have had a tumultuous first few days of New Years- trying to figure out how not to sleepwalk through the year ahead. I’m a big list maker, and a shockingly bad procrastinator. I think about what I want to do WAY more that actually doing it, and while it’s good to be a dreamer- I don’t want to be a 50 year old thinking ‘what if’…ya know?

This year is all about shaking it up. 2011 and 2012 basically could have been the same year, except for some interesting parts in 2012…but that’s another story. I’m wanting to shake things up and change the course of our life, not in a crazy way- but just enough to make a difference. I want to push the boundaries of what we thought we were doing- make opportunities and stop being such a fatalist. I’ve been waiting for something to happen, but I think it’s probably time for me to do that myself!

I also want to continue down the path of wanting less. We’ve become pretty pared down in our consuming- and I want to move that to the next level. We’re still gonna spend money on travel, eating out etc, but I want to cut the small amount we spend on consumables even more. It’s been getting easier as we’ve gone along. I liken it to sugar- the less you eat it, the less you want it. Then, when you do have it- it just tastes way too sweet 🙂

So there you go – Challenge 2013- do more, want less, shake it up, always be mindful, present, deliberate and considered. Let’s try not to sleepwalk.

 

xfez