Category Archives: Musings

Nothing else matters…

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Well, the death knell is ringing out on Summer for another year. Tomorrow will be Autumn and another set of adventures, this time with longer pants.

For me Soundwave has always been the final event and the beginning of the end of Summer for another year. I love that going each year is both amazing and tinged with so many bitter sweet memories. I don’t know how people handle the memories of their lives, for me they are so present and wash over me at the slightest whiff of a certain perfume or hearing a certain song or album.

Soundwave is great in that way, mixing new bands with old and giving me that nostalgic rush. Seeing Metallica like I did a few years ago at Big Day Out, hearing Nothing Else Matters and simultaneously being taken back to that night on the hill at the Gold Coast where the haunting riff filled me with a bit of loneliness while also taking me back to the 90s when I first heard it. This time around it filled me with awe and happiness.When I first heard it live I felt alone on that hill, this time I felt like I was experiencing it with 20,000 other people. So many layers of memory, so much context!

Seeing Offspring and being reminded of your own mortality in the aged faces of its band members. Hearing those songs that filled you with so much energy and emotion as a 14 year old, reminding you of how much older you feel and how much less energy you have! Hearing those songs and singing your heart out and being taken right back there for a moment in time. Experiencing that with your husband, who’s been standing by your side, loving music the way you have for the last 14 years. Golden!

Even just the memories of this seven year tradition of heading to Soundwave have got a special place in my heart. Building traditions with my husband that have gone on for almost our entire 20s brings its own kind of comfort. I look back on even five years ago with such fondness, I can’t imagine how looking back on these times in 20 years will feel. I am sure I will be so grateful for the fun and experiences we have been able to share with our friends. And when I feel lonely or nostalgic, I can just listen to my records and be taken right back there.

Music is an emotional roller coaster for me. It’s been my pacifier, my energiser, my sympathiser, my record keeper and a huge source of fun. You can be who you want to be with music. It can remind you of who you want to be. As long as I can still hear and move, I’ll be heading to Soundwave (well, maybe not every single year). I’m sure the memories will get even more intense and layered as my life moves on, but I hope I never lose the magic that music gives me.

xfez

The thinker, it’s the thinker

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Do you ever feel weighed down by your over-thinking? I always prided myself on being a pretty laid back lady, but if I be honest- I am a BIG thinker. Maybe I’ll refer to it as pondering to make me feel less whiney. Whatever it is- it weighs heavy on me sometimes. They’re big questions too, I’m not stressing over a new pair of jeans or losing weight or any of that crap. I’m asking myself questions like ‘who am I’, ‘what is my purpose’, ‘what is going to make me happy’, ‘are the decisions I’m making today leading me towards the person I want to be tomorrow’. Yeah, I told you.

These are such bullshit questions, too. Because how can anyone really answer them. You can answer it at certain times in your life easily. Those awesome moments where everything feels like it’s happening exactly how it’s supposed to. But what about those times when you’ve got an itch. When you don’t feel quite fulfilled. When you feel like you need to be doing something, ANYTHING differently? Yeah, well, welcome to my life right now.

It comes from a huge, selfish fear I have of regretting decisions I have made (or sort of not made, as the case may be). To a point, I can convince myself that everything has happened for a reason, but deep down there’s that little voice of reason that says, ‘yeah, but you should have fucking finished studying law and be making way more money by now’ etc etc. I worry that hindsight will afford me the wisdom to realise what I should have been doing now- but right now, in the now, I don’t really know what the right answer is.

I guess the real answer is that you have to focus on being happy in whatever situation you’ve got going on, and if you need change- then fucking go and make some changes. I’ve been doing way too much thinking and not enough action- so I guess it’s Business Time. And, yeah…watch some more Girls!!

xfez

 

 

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I started off this day NEEDING to hear a certain song. Like, as soon as I got to work I whipped open Youtube and plugged in. It’s all in keeping with the stupidly antsy feeling I’m still carrying over from New Years. Yep, this emotional hangover has been a doozy, but I’m justifying it to myself by saying that it’s important to question who you are, where you’re going with life etc every so often.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I’m floating along happy to view these issues from a far off, safe place, but I do revisit them every now and then. I’m feeling all weird and unsettled.

I think the main reason is that we’ve reached a bit of a milestone. We’re talking about having a baby this year. I wait for the collective gasp and then have to remind myself to get it together, because I’m turning 31 this year and that’s in no way an inappropriately young age to procreate. But it kind of feels like it is. I honestly feel too young to be a parent. I’m told ‘everyone’ feels this way, but most of the mums I know are pretty mature and not like me at all.

This is where I came to the conclusion that the reason I’m feeling weird isn’t because I’m not ready, but because I have no role models in this area. I mean, I have stupid role models- Kat Stratford, Lindsay Weir, Angela Chase. In case you’re wondering, these are all fictional high school television/movie characters. The problem is, I can relate to these girls so well- but what I want to know is WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!?!? Is this stupid to be so unsure of yourself and who you are? I realise these are shockingly self indulgent things to get caught up in- but these are the first world problems I grapple with.

I also don’t have people I can really relate to that have children. While I love my sisters-in-law to death- they aren’t in remotely similar careers to me, and also fit very much into the ‘mature’ mold that I am rashly placing everyone that doesn’t look at fictional high schoolers for life advice into. None of our friends have children, so that makes it seem even more of a void, where once we enter we will become different somehow. I just don’t know anyone with young children that I look at and think- ‘I’d like a similar model for my own life’ or even ‘this is sort of what our life will look like with kids’. I know what I don’t want, but in terms of how we make our lives work with a kid, I just cannot picture it. Or if I do, it’s a sad, depressing place where I spend a lot of time cleaning and become a shadow of myself.

I shared these feelings with Husband (poor, poor Husband). He, kind of beautifully, told me that maybe I am going to have to be that person for other people, and just pave the way for myself. I’m not a fan of this option, but I guess that’s the way it’s gonna be. So this year we plunge into the great unknown. And while it almost feels like ‘giving up’ to finally admit that it’s time for kids, I’m really hoping it turns out to be a super fun adventure that I totally didn’t expect.

xfez

Shake it up

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Well, it’s 2013 and I still haven’t fucking done anything about writing. So, here I am, writing.

As usual, I have had a tumultuous first few days of New Years- trying to figure out how not to sleepwalk through the year ahead. I’m a big list maker, and a shockingly bad procrastinator. I think about what I want to do WAY more that actually doing it, and while it’s good to be a dreamer- I don’t want to be a 50 year old thinking ‘what if’…ya know?

This year is all about shaking it up. 2011 and 2012 basically could have been the same year, except for some interesting parts in 2012…but that’s another story. I’m wanting to shake things up and change the course of our life, not in a crazy way- but just enough to make a difference. I want to push the boundaries of what we thought we were doing- make opportunities and stop being such a fatalist. I’ve been waiting for something to happen, but I think it’s probably time for me to do that myself!

I also want to continue down the path of wanting less. We’ve become pretty pared down in our consuming- and I want to move that to the next level. We’re still gonna spend money on travel, eating out etc, but I want to cut the small amount we spend on consumables even more. It’s been getting easier as we’ve gone along. I liken it to sugar- the less you eat it, the less you want it. Then, when you do have it- it just tastes way too sweet 🙂

So there you go – Challenge 2013- do more, want less, shake it up, always be mindful, present, deliberate and considered. Let’s try not to sleepwalk.

 

xfez